In the 16th century William Shakespeare, the great English playwright, euphemistically referred to sex as ‘groping for trout in a peculiar river’. He was the master, the unparalleled wordsmith of his time able to finesse description with such skill he could avoid some of the more vulgar, sweaty words one might otherwise use.

In the four hundred since we have refined our word skills and corporations have embraced it with enthusiasm creating a whole world of corporate speak, developing a kind of Seinfeld language, saying so much about nothing.

In 2023 Elon Musk’s Mars rocket, some 400′ in length, the largest ever assembled blew to smithareens minutes into its maiden voyage. No doubt anticipating that potential in the Space X Starship program, the ground breaking Earth to Mars madness, Musk’s crack public relations team was ready. Just in case. Within moments of the devestating destruction eighteen miles above Earth a press release was distributed world wide. It described the event as a ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly’. Yes, it was something but it was nothing really.

Good Lord, it blew up!

$3B poof! Gone. Obliterated in a spectacular cloud of exploding rocket grade kerosene and liquid oxygen calmly described as a ‘RUD’, a rapid unscheduled disassembly. That would be a rud(sic) awakening in any language. Now don’t get me wrong, as a communications consultant I have written and distributed hundreds of press releases over the years. It is critical, most obviously when it is bad news, that you get ahead of the message and control it. That requires forward thinking as was clearly the case at Musk Inc. In fact Elon had done a talk show circuit the week prior and had foretold the failure.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it blows up.”

Now Elon is many things but he is nobody’s fool. Elon The Fox is the master of media messaging. He was lowering expectations so that ‘blowing to smithareens’ could be spun as ‘oh yes, thought that might happen, well we’ll learn from it’. That is a long way from ‘Musk just saw $3B go up in smoke!’ and I’m sure it would have been ever so comforting to Elon’s investors who had just witnessed a King’s Ransom go up in smoke.

“Well Elon said that might happen. Carry on.”

In the world of corporate doublespeak, it was masterful and I think it is something we have brought upon ourselves.

We really only have ourselves to blame. Corporate Message Minders have simply watched us. They get that we are suckers for a good euphemism.

I mean who among us hasn’t bought a CERTIFIED PRE OWNED vehicle. Those are the used vehicles that we previously called USED, the word that ‘can now never be spoken’ on a car lot. And we’re good with that. It appeals to our sense of status and value and it allows us to pay much more than we would if it was simply a USED vehicle.

And of course who can forget KellyAnne Conway, the Message Schill for Donald Trump in his original presidential campaign, standing proudly and defiantly in defence of The Great Liar describing his layered, relentless deceits as ALTERNATIVE FACTS. And it worked. We bought it. We are so funny, which is actually a euphemism for we are so STUPID.

But never mind all that, we take euphemisms to another level in our personal lives. ‘FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS’ is really kind of cute when you think about it, a little bit naughty, a touch mischievous, euphemistically Shakespearian in its understatement and way classier than ‘a person I have sex with’.

And what is this ‘SLEPT WITH’ phrase. Now that one confused me even before I knew what it really meant. A child could be forgiven for thinking it was a sleepover with popcorn and books and games and stuff.

“So how many men have you slept with?” asked the husband inevitably stepping into unsafe and private territory.

“Ummmm” pondered his partner weighing the need to be careful in the answer.

“None besides you honey. All the others kept me awake all night.”

Beautifully delivered, turning a euphemistic turn of phrase back to what was really being asked.

So here’s the obvious takeaway. Next time you need to ask just stop with the euphemisms and double talk. Ask the question directly!

“So honey, how many men have groped for trout in your peculiar river?”