I reread my blogs from time to time sometimes just to enjoy them but as much to see how they have weathered the Buffeting Winds of Time Passing. My original thesis was that to be ‘nice’ is a good thing and more, being nice is part of what it is to be Canadian, something worth hanging onto. In the years since I first wrote this blog ‘nice’ has taken a serious pounding. There is little observably nice about our current world. Countries sabre rattle, countries attack and kill driven by uncompromising idealogical zeal, countries threaten the complete annihilation of sworn enemies and our world. That’s a tough place for ‘nice’ to thrive. We are confronted daily by the dark narcissism of domestic and global power seekers, hell bent on gaining or regaining power once held. Our history has taught us better but as with every generation before we don’t seem to have learned and we don’t seem prepared to put a stop to it.

“It’s not the same.”

Tell that to the Jews who wake up to find the Star of David painted on their houses.

“It’s different this time.”

Tell that to the Palestinian parents who just lost a child to an errant bombing.

So where in this troubled world does ‘nice’ belong? Should it be scrubbed as naive and useless and removed from our dictionary or does it still have a place in our world?

I think ‘Yes’ is the answer. More so now than at anytime in my living memory.

YES!

‘Canadians are so nice!” I can remember my mother saying that when I was a young boy, new to Canada as I was. And it wasn’t a compliment, and certainly not something to aspire to. From an English woman finding her place in this new land it was sharp criticism. It was as though ‘being nice’ was to be invisible, unseen and insignificant. Now with the hindsight of a seventy three year old man I’ve come to think it was intentional, an admonition.

“Don’t you become nice Tony!”

I wasn’t to know but she may as well have said, “Don’t you become Canadian Tony!”

Of course, I was eight and didn’t have a clue what my mother was talking about but if her purpose was to impose a question, it worked. It has echoed through the ages, a question posed, a question unanswered. 

Are we so nice?

Can a country even be nice?

And if we are, is that such a bad thing? 

I’ve come to think people of most countries don’t aspire to being thought of as nice. It is as though to be nice is to be a pushover and weak and in this crass muscle flexing world of ours that just makes you vulnerable as a country. No, it is much better to be vivid; to be seen, visible, to be reckoned with.  We see it everyday, everywhere, in every country around the world: The chest thumping, jingoism of the Patriotic Populist!

“U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Or go to any national sports event in England, with one voice the crowd will roar, “Rule Brittania, Brittania rules the waves” notwithstanding it harkens back to an imperial glory now a full century in history’s rear view mirror. English, Germans, Aussies people from all over the world embrace what it is to be from where they are in full voice, loudly patriotic. Now don’t get me wrong, we Canadians are not beyond such displays but tell me we’re not nice about it. 

GO CANADA GO! GO CANADA GO!                  

It’s not exactly your pounding populist mantra. Even drunk it’s tough to get all lathered up about it. I know, I’ve tried it. A few times. It’s so humiliating. Even ‘Go Canada Go’ is nice. Fact is we are nice. And it is more than just a few nice people, Canadians as a whole are nice. Our country is nice. And it is a good thing. My mother was wrong.

Not only are we nice, we have cultivated a Vocabulary of Nice, a vocabulary to be nice with. You can see signs of it everywhere. I was sitting in a mall coffee shop in Nanaimo BC. I was alone so I amused myself by listening to patrons as they ordered, counting the ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ as they went. In the space of ten minutes fifteen customers came by, politely waiting their turn in line. Fact is, it is not uncommon for the first two words Canadians will say to one other, even before ‘hello’ is ‘I’m sorry’.

“Excuse me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m in your way.”

“No sorry, please you go ahead of me.”

And my absolute favourite,

“Oh, I’m sorry you were first.”

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t see you.”

“Please …”

“Thank you.”

And that was even before any of them had placed an order. In that ten minutes those fifteen customers dropped nine ‘pleases’, twelve ‘thankyous” and seven ‘sorrys’. And of course the ‘sorrys’ weren’t for anything they had done wrong. It was fantastically Canadian. It was so nice!  We have come to understand that those simple, powerful, little words ease our exchanges not just with friends and family but even more noticeably with perfect strangers. If the expression wasn’t so misunderstood I’d even say that the Vocabulary of Nice lubricates social intercourse.

One of our greatest living poets, Shane Koyczan, a slam poet from Penticton BC, recited ‘We Are More’ at the opening of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. I will never forget it. 

“And some say what defines us is something as simple as please and thank you

And as for ‘you’re welcome’, well we say that too

But we are more than genteel or civilized

We are an idea in the process of being realized.”

It went on for about three minutes and it was stunning.

“Because we believe in generations beyond our own, knowing now that so many of us have grown past what used to be we can stand here today, filled with all the hope people have when they say things like “someday”

Someday we’ll be great. Someday we’ll be this or that. Someday we’ll be at a point, when someday was yesterday and all of our aspirations will pave the way.”

I remember thinking that he had captured everything it was to be Canadian and being nice is part of that.

In British Columbia we even have something called the Apology Act. It’s to prevent lawyers using an apology against a defendant in a civil case as evidence of fault. How nice is that!? The law recognizes that one of our first instincts when someone has been hurt, for example in a car accident, is to say “Oh, I’m so sorry!” or some version of that. It’s not an admission of fault or responsibility, it is simply what any decent person might say. Nice is good and now nice can’t be used against you in a civil trial in BC.

Through it all I have come to understand that to be nice is a good thing. I have taught my four children that being nice is a good thing and I have gone a step further; I have taught them that to be nice is to be Canadian. It is what we are and far from making us invisible or unseen, being nice is a vivid part of our identity recognized worldwide. In fact being nice as it turns out, means you can be seen and you can be heard precisely because it is so different, never more so than now in this raw, coarse world we find ourselves navigating. So many misunderstand that being nice is not being weak. We don’t have to prove ourselves to anybody. Canada is a tough unforgiving country and being nice was never going to be enough. We have proven ourselves to be a resourceful, uncompromising people, bending our backs into the endless challenges of this country and our history. We have fought wars, we have constructed a society designed to lift all, we are unflinchingly tough and we are resolute in our unblinking acknowledgement of our mistakes. We will always try to improve our country because that is what we intend to do. We have a reckoning ahead of us this century, one centuries in the making as we come to understand the grave and historic wrongs we imposed on Canada’s indigenous people. But we will square up to it and learn the truth. And our children will then be taught the truth and we will reconcile. That is the right thing to do. That is being Canadian. That is being nice. And it’s something worth fighting for.

If you want to see what a world without ‘nice’ looks like, look up. It’s right there for all to see; random acts of road rage and angry outbursts everywhere, outrage the standard response to not getting our way. Righteous indignation at the very idea that someone disagrees with you. It’s on your cell phone, it’s on social media, on the news. It’s how we talk to one another when we don’t agree with what’s being said. It is all around. It has infected entire countries. Two years ago in Canada the ‘Freedom Convoy’ occupied Parliament Hill in Ottawa for three weeks endlessly blaring truck horns. Pick your country. We have become uncivil. Nothing good is going to happen. The US has long ago lost touch with ‘nice’ and with it the civil ability to exchange ideas safely. Families are divided, friendships are divided, cities are divided, states are divided and now an entire country. America is now hurtling toward the most divisive event that country will have experienced since the Civil War. The crash is now certain, how much damage the only unknown.

That’s the world without ‘nice’ and if that’s the world you want to live in, the world you want to raise your children in well, you’re nearly there. If it’s not, then do something about it and start where you have the most influence. Start with yourself and your own family and your friends; resist the next angry outburst, control yourself, teach your children, influence one another. Be civil when you disagree, where you have a choice between anger and civility, choose the latter. Be nice.

So if you’re reading this and thinking, ‘What a naive bloviating blowhard’ well, you’re probably onto something. And if you’re not Canadian this may seem sanctimonious and self righteous and you may be right about that, we are imperfect indeed. I don’t mean it to be but once the words are out of my mouth, they’re yours to do with what you will. I know this to be true, as do all those who share my space through this life, I do go on! I can be an insufferable bore. It’s not that I intend to be and I’m not sure that has anything to do with being Canadian or being of English heritage. No, that part is all mine.

Thank you for reading my blog. Tell your friends about it.

Please.

And if this has irritated you in any way, let me say this.,

“I’m sorry.“