Turkey Tanning

I am so proud of my son Toby. I mean his resume is impressive by any measure and he’s not yet 40.

Grad class president, wildfire fighter, national rugby team, firefighter, a good husband, a great father – there is so much to talk about, but that’s not why I say I am SO proud of my son Toby.

No, turns out this is a man who understands the power of Silliness. I should have known of course. His election slogan for grad class president at Kelowna Senior Secondary was “Don’t be Hatin’ Vote Peyton’ a memorable, phonetically rhythmic vote getter if ever there was one. Landslide.

This is a man who leaned the power of Silly at the knee of his father, arguably one of the most underrated humours in the human quiver. Recently, he brought some high level Silly to his workplace. Turkey tanning. To those not in the know it can refer to that space between a man’s testicles and perineum. Don’t make me repeat that. Just reread it, if you have to. I’m sure the area at issue will become abundantly clear, in your Mind’s Eye.

Now ‘turkey tanning’, a quick inquiry of Chat GPT will confirm could be any number of things. It could and most obviously be, getting a tan while vacationing in Turkey or it could be spreading an oil on the skin of the turkey to ensure a delicious tanned look for the skin after cooking or it could be none of those things.

Chat GPT was most helpful, paticularly when you ask it about the health benefits of ‘Turkey Tanning on the Human Male’.

Here is what Chat GPT replied:

• If your goal is increase vitamin D, exposing larger areas like your arms and legs for a short time is more practical and effective. My grade: HELPFUL
• if your goal is boost testosterone regular exercise and maintaining a healthy weight show much stronger evidence Grade: My grade: HELPFUL

Now in fairness, Chat GPT did seem confused by the inquiry, noting some online claims of ‘Turkey Tanning’ for improved energy, enhanced mood and better sexual function, adding “these claims don’t appear to be supported by credible scientific research.” Not, it should be noted anything resembling, ‘Turkey Tanning’ is not a thing, does not exist, someone is just being Silly.’

For my son Toby, this was all he needed. He set to the task of creating what appeared to be a ‘health bulletin’ and left it randomly on a table at the firehall. Shortly thereafter it had found its way to the Health and Safety Bulletin board. Nailed it. Silliness at the highest level.

My job here is done.

By the way, noting that the topic of ‘Turkey Tanning’ is in and of itself somewhat uncomfortable, I chose not to ask Chat GPT for a suitable AI generated graphic for this blog. You see, I do bear you in mind as I write.

Silliness as I have said so many times now, is a tonic, an elixir and it is good for us. As I was thinking about this blog I brought it up among my friends at Deep Bay, where we spend much of our summer months. It’s on the east coast of British Columbia’s Vancouver Island. I describe it as a place where ‘Schitt’s Creek Meets A Seniors Home’. It is also where Silly thrives. Most people of my age understand just how precious Silliness is. My friends were quick to offer their two cents worth.

“Tell them about Monkey Butt!”

“Monkey What?!”

“Monkey Butt, it’s for you know … rashes between the legs.”

“Oh, of course … Monkey Butt.”

I was reeling.

“And Beaver Rub Tony, you got to tell them about Beaver Rub”

“They’ll never publish my blog with all this in it.’

“It’s for basting your meat.”

As though that somehow made it better.

Well bless them all, at least two of whom told me they were going to give this Turkey Tanning thing a go.

You know how you just can’t un-hear some things. Yeah, that … spoken by a wrinkly old man would be one of those things. I took some comfort when I realized that my friend was never going to be able to pull his legs and knees up into the necessary ‘Turkey Tanning’ position.

I any event, I feel much better for writing this. I always do after I spend some time with Silliness, in whatever form it arrives.

Congratulations to my son Toby, to him I pass the mantle.

I am off to the 13th Annual Deep Bay Duck Race this weekend. This year I am taking my granddaughter Rowe. Her entry? The Rowe Boat.

I’m not leaving anything to chance. I will not leave this mortal realm until I have embedded generations of my blood as Silliness Advocates.

‘To you from failing hands we throw the torch, be yours to hold it high.’

Not sure I should be coopting the great poem ‘In Flanders Fields’ for this. It was written by a Canadian doctor in 1915, during WW1. But as ruthless as it may be, I will stop at nothing to buttress my Silliness Crusade.

Oh my word, I was just reading this blog to a friend, before I publish it and she told me about a drink she loves – Casanova’s Bushwacker.

This stuff writes itself.